Monday, May 14, 2012
The end(finals suck)
All of this white space seems so serene to me. I don't want to fill it up and I don't think I have anymore things to say. I am almost done the worse rushed papers of a decade. Feeling like my references for my PHD have gone down the drain. *ack
Monday, May 7, 2012
through friendship...
I went home last week.
and because my home is a mausoleum (and my mother a hoarder)
there were things that were posted on my wall from the 1992.
19 fucking 92.
There was this poster I ripped out from seventeen magazine...
I wasn't seventeen.
It was a 'how to' be a good friend. I ripped it out and put in on my wall...
I wonder what made me find that article important. I guess it touched a part of me.
the inside me whom I didn't know juuust yet.
Well, I think in so many ways that article gave me the basis of who I was going to be.
I would cultivate people and discover relationships that would save my life and my sanity
those are not the same thing
so many times over and over.
Those friendships would be my source of strength and creativity...
I laugh when people tell me I'm strong or smart or cleaver...
I stole all that from the people who love. me.
and because my home is a mausoleum (and my mother a hoarder)
there were things that were posted on my wall from the 1992.
19 fucking 92.
There was this poster I ripped out from seventeen magazine...
I wasn't seventeen.
It was a 'how to' be a good friend. I ripped it out and put in on my wall...
I wonder what made me find that article important. I guess it touched a part of me.
the inside me whom I didn't know juuust yet.
Well, I think in so many ways that article gave me the basis of who I was going to be.
I would cultivate people and discover relationships that would save my life and my sanity
those are not the same thing
so many times over and over.
Those friendships would be my source of strength and creativity...
I laugh when people tell me I'm strong or smart or cleaver...
I stole all that from the people who love. me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Not Like Crazy...
It would be an impossible task to encapsulate the inexplicable drag, drop, explosion of a fucked ass year this was.
This afternoon I was sitting in the computer lab chilling with my girl Shauna, whispering Jill...
what you do is crazy baby, not like you belong in an asylum, crazy baby, like sun in morning, i'm astounded by your love for me...
and I suddenly couldn't kick this flood of relief. It was
opposite
of the panic attack I had last Friday contemplating the moment of revelation.
I looked up and to the left to welcome an old friend home.
happiness.
See, cuz, like, the world is over and everything is working out.
everything is checking out, sir.
my little girl is sitting in a field of flowers wearing a cotton dress with blue, red, and yellow stripes. The straps are tied tight with little bows and her hands are nasty with the sap of dandelion flowers. She is elated by the sun dancing over the leaves...
nothing else matters right now.
deep breath.
This afternoon I was sitting in the computer lab chilling with my girl Shauna, whispering Jill...
what you do is crazy baby, not like you belong in an asylum, crazy baby, like sun in morning, i'm astounded by your love for me...
and I suddenly couldn't kick this flood of relief. It was
opposite
of the panic attack I had last Friday contemplating the moment of revelation.
I looked up and to the left to welcome an old friend home.
happiness.
See, cuz, like, the world is over and everything is working out.
everything is checking out, sir.
my little girl is sitting in a field of flowers wearing a cotton dress with blue, red, and yellow stripes. The straps are tied tight with little bows and her hands are nasty with the sap of dandelion flowers. She is elated by the sun dancing over the leaves...
nothing else matters right now.
deep breath.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The End
i have always loved endings. for me, logically, they signal rebirth. sometimes a love of endings causes me to yearn for them when things get a tickle in them. i work to stay in the dirtiest places now..at least until i know i'm not running - but transitioning. there is a difference, you know. here on this blog - i am prepared to transition. this blog has represented a will for me. it started as a way to bring a friendship together with dreams of being famous. at the heart of it was my secret desire to be a better writer. this has been accomplished. having completed a tough semester at school - i see my style and my voice as a writer all over my work. it brings me great joy to recognize how far i have come.
but all things change. the voice of this blog has become muddled. the purpose and dedication is therefore different. what goes where and the fear of the 'overshare' loom mightily. i am looking to find a way to get back to my more political writing side. my momentum faltered after a friend ruined my computer and i was never able to quite pick back up to that speed. my fault entirely. so i intend to keep sharing my writing. definitely with a larger audience but here...my personal blob is finished.
thank you for reading and being my audience for the past four years.
toodles.
bek.
but all things change. the voice of this blog has become muddled. the purpose and dedication is therefore different. what goes where and the fear of the 'overshare' loom mightily. i am looking to find a way to get back to my more political writing side. my momentum faltered after a friend ruined my computer and i was never able to quite pick back up to that speed. my fault entirely. so i intend to keep sharing my writing. definitely with a larger audience but here...my personal blob is finished.
thank you for reading and being my audience for the past four years.
toodles.
bek.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Two more to go...
finals suck. i think i don't care anymore. a pass is a pass??
then i can go home to this...for days and days and days (+beer+Ocho+bf+gym-stress)
then i can go home to this...for days and days and days (+beer+Ocho+bf+gym-stress)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
times a wasting
I have been razor focused on time.
When you don't have all you need, your vision narrows and tunnel vision lets you see nothing excepts those things relevant to getting you through to where you need to be.
A paper done, a bill paid, a meal cooked...
This weekend I walked into an urban outfitters.
My favorite place.
I know it isn't the PC place to like - it is a land of big box pretending to be small.. quirky.. individual.. They steal folks ideas and put them on sale for 4 bucks.
I used to walk through the aisles slowly, singularly, identifying all the things I would lovingly watch until that very.. last.. mark.. down - I could feel my fingers anticipating the feeling of triumph when I walked out of the third store I searched with a piece I love at 9.99 from 89.99. I would giggle identifying a designer piece they didn't even bother to change before swiping. There was an unlimited about of time. With that black and white reusable bag clutched in my hands, full of things, I would feel like "I win, time is free, I am free." Money was limited but time was not...I was rich...in time.
What happens though when you leave this moment to hope for the next? When this day is simply an impediment to the next, an impediment to where you need to be, an impediment to get what you need for you? It feels like you are sitting in a padded room with nothing to do (twiddle your thumbs) and at the very same time you are in the world working 15 hours shifts. Exhausted and yet completely removed from it all. Watching yourself spin crazily to complete deadline but only being aware when it's something that achieves a benchmark.
I thought about all of this as stood at the balcony of the UO for a while. They play the appropriate indy movie thoughtful moment music - which breaks me out of the reflection revelry with it's "it's just too perfect for the moment perfectness" and I head downstairs to the men's floor where they hide the good shoes that never go on sale.
13,22,2/2....
When you don't have all you need, your vision narrows and tunnel vision lets you see nothing excepts those things relevant to getting you through to where you need to be.
A paper done, a bill paid, a meal cooked...
This weekend I walked into an urban outfitters.
My favorite place.
I know it isn't the PC place to like - it is a land of big box pretending to be small.. quirky.. individual.. They steal folks ideas and put them on sale for 4 bucks.
I used to walk through the aisles slowly, singularly, identifying all the things I would lovingly watch until that very.. last.. mark.. down - I could feel my fingers anticipating the feeling of triumph when I walked out of the third store I searched with a piece I love at 9.99 from 89.99. I would giggle identifying a designer piece they didn't even bother to change before swiping. There was an unlimited about of time. With that black and white reusable bag clutched in my hands, full of things, I would feel like "I win, time is free, I am free." Money was limited but time was not...I was rich...in time.
What happens though when you leave this moment to hope for the next? When this day is simply an impediment to the next, an impediment to where you need to be, an impediment to get what you need for you? It feels like you are sitting in a padded room with nothing to do (twiddle your thumbs) and at the very same time you are in the world working 15 hours shifts. Exhausted and yet completely removed from it all. Watching yourself spin crazily to complete deadline but only being aware when it's something that achieves a benchmark.
I thought about all of this as stood at the balcony of the UO for a while. They play the appropriate indy movie thoughtful moment music - which breaks me out of the reflection revelry with it's "it's just too perfect for the moment perfectness" and I head downstairs to the men's floor where they hide the good shoes that never go on sale.
13,22,2/2....
Sunday, December 4, 2011
stupid test...
I took a dumb test about my best career choice...this is what it said.
You are a Persuader, possible professions include - entertainer, recruiter, artist, newscaster, writer/journalist, recreation director, librarian, facilitator, politician, psychologist, housing director, career counselor, sales trainer, travel agent, program designer, corporate/team trainer, child welfare worker, social worker (elderly services), interpreter/translator, occupational therapist, executive
oh.
You are a Persuader, possible professions include - entertainer, recruiter, artist, newscaster, writer/journalist, recreation director, librarian, facilitator, politician, psychologist, housing director, career counselor, sales trainer, travel agent, program designer, corporate/team trainer, child welfare worker, social worker (elderly services), interpreter/translator, occupational therapist, executive
oh.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
No Locking Posts!!
I was devastated months ago when I finally realized that I couldn't lock posts...
It meant that in place of my funny date stories - there would be no funny bf stories. Stories just aren't as funny when you're held accountable, or could hurt someones feelings, and honestly it simply isn't fun knowing that it ends up being like a message etc...
So in response I've said nothing.
tre boring.
I'm thinking of breaking the seal....
Letting it out...
But like I said previously I don't wanna be the single in the twin letting everything out and the other single gets to stay safe behind silence...
Oh power plays...
the annoyance....
Sigh (cracks knuckles)
So I spent thanksgivings with the beau's family because my mother decided that now was the best time to go on vacation. So in 32 years of life - this year was the first I did not spend with my family. I was/am devastated. There were MANY blogable moments - including finally meeting mama's baby boy, aka Shareef - but before we left mom's house for dad's house (oh, yeah I was all UP in this families ass for twelve hours) I got a little loose with the tongue with moms.
faux pa.
She was discussing her need for her baby boy and beloved wife of baby boy to have children. I take blame. I did mention that couples usually get a dog as a trail before winding their way up to children (should have been my first sign that my tongue was loose)... So I, obviously feeling comfortable, decided to share that I was ready to have children...soon. We had discussed my boundaries with time and her son before so this wasn't exactly news to her. But then I started talking about how before he had come around I was considering having children alone and I put off thinking about to see where this would go...I had always assumed I would have children I didn't have to share, blah blah blah.
Her response?
Weeellllll, Mrs. Mom is generally talkative so I wasn't going to get the rude silence if she was displeased. Honestly, I will never know....which will simply feed my anxiety about the diarrhea mouth.
ah well. the beau will have to let me know (hint,hint)....
It meant that in place of my funny date stories - there would be no funny bf stories. Stories just aren't as funny when you're held accountable, or could hurt someones feelings, and honestly it simply isn't fun knowing that it ends up being like a message etc...
So in response I've said nothing.
tre boring.
I'm thinking of breaking the seal....
Letting it out...
But like I said previously I don't wanna be the single in the twin letting everything out and the other single gets to stay safe behind silence...
Oh power plays...
the annoyance....
Sigh (cracks knuckles)
So I spent thanksgivings with the beau's family because my mother decided that now was the best time to go on vacation. So in 32 years of life - this year was the first I did not spend with my family. I was/am devastated. There were MANY blogable moments - including finally meeting mama's baby boy, aka Shareef - but before we left mom's house for dad's house (oh, yeah I was all UP in this families ass for twelve hours) I got a little loose with the tongue with moms.
faux pa.
She was discussing her need for her baby boy and beloved wife of baby boy to have children. I take blame. I did mention that couples usually get a dog as a trail before winding their way up to children (should have been my first sign that my tongue was loose)... So I, obviously feeling comfortable, decided to share that I was ready to have children...soon. We had discussed my boundaries with time and her son before so this wasn't exactly news to her. But then I started talking about how before he had come around I was considering having children alone and I put off thinking about to see where this would go...I had always assumed I would have children I didn't have to share, blah blah blah.
Her response?
Weeellllll, Mrs. Mom is generally talkative so I wasn't going to get the rude silence if she was displeased. Honestly, I will never know....which will simply feed my anxiety about the diarrhea mouth.
ah well. the beau will have to let me know (hint,hint)....
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