What's going on....

When I was in Paris with my soul friend Walela, I had an epiphany. I was turning 31 years old and had a naggin feeling in my heart - I was vocationally stucked. I needed to make a move but felt that I was burdened by my past decisions. I was so pathetic I wasn't even a deer in the headlights, I was comfortably sitting on the side of a road chilling with my lack luster grass. The cars were passing my sad complacent self by - I wasn't even trying to cross the road. My soul sister forced me to listen to *Ugh T.D jakes, and we talked about natural haircare abroad *perilous, and we talked about attempts to make our dreams come true *can one still model at 30?, and we just burned incense and watched Kat Williams *the kevin hart of his time on You tube. It was deep even when it was superficial. One night she turned to me, as I sat on her remarkably comfortable areo space bed (eurosized -- don't turn over unless you plan on getting up), and said you will have something come to you, it will be revealed and you will be comforted..aight that last part I made up but it sounded good!

I woke up the day before my birthday from a vivid dream, so strong I still remember (but not share) it - I woke up with my hands clenched and the anger pouring out of me. I was so angry I shocked myself, I didn't know I could be so passionately angery. But as I sat up at 430am in the morning, to a view of the effiel tower, I literally watched as the anger left my body and a sense of peace and certainty was replaced. I knew then that inspite of the percieved obstacles (which would be repeated to me adnauseum even up to this sunday) that I was to follow this path and get my M.S.W. I had attempted to get my M.S.W about five years and was denied, but I felt that the spirit run through me, it felt calm and overwhelming just succinct and sure. This is the path. I popped up and starting researching and taking notes on my road map. Since then everyone of my mentors (except the one that mattered), and plenty of friends attemped to desuade me - you can't make any money, that field is beleagered...there is no real scorlorship, no respect etc etc. BUT the path that you are set upon, if truley ordained, can handle strigent questioning, and I set about doing so...I researched every job, every idea of what I thought I wanted to with my life, looked at different degrees and put them to the heart test -- did they make me feel like I felt that day? Did it feel real? Did it feel ordained?

I never in my life had so many people feel so determined to suggest, and even demand, that I choose a different path.  But after much meditation and fear, I applied to schools, only the ones that felt right and only the ones that do what I want to do -- all reaches. I got in.

I can't believe that I am finally going back to school. I feel like I took the steps toward the road and am fully prepared for those head lights to hit me -- I know which way to go now. I know what it feels like now, the test, when it's right and when it isn't.  From now on I'm holding everything to my heart and listening intently...Listening for the truth and then hitting that path sprinting - trying to catch up.

Then

Happy Birthday to me....

I have been 31 for 1:41 minutes.

I turned 31 a few days ago though. By that I mean, I have spent the last few months confronting my past, my fears and fears of my past and thus my future. I explained early morning a few days ago that the importance of a hajj or travel isn't the destination - my most favorite thing in the world..arriving, that is, to a warm home, or dinner, or anywhere where I can take my shoes off and eat something sweet -- the important thing is to remove your self and spirit from the weight of the everyday. To get your mind focused on the singular purpose of survival, finding the train, speaking French, seeing if they have that dress in your size. Rinse off your feet, anoint your self with oil and see what you should be doing with your god-given talents.

Opps. Did I get too serious?

I have been in Paris letting my shoulders feel the absent weight of stress. To feel relief from worry, and the low self-esteem, and the bank account limit, and the non-inspiring job, and the lack of a love life. I've been in Paris looking around and being inspired and loved and inspired and pushed and stepped on and hugged (not kissed :() and spoiled and cared for and stared at and ignored and fed and cajoled and dam my feet hurt!

But since I didn't have on my everyday, 'woe is me' sunglasses (free with the daily self-degradation pills) I ended up seeing me.

Me.

And let me tell you - I'm a lot thinner than I thought - (and my boobs are perkier too - look out nysc, the towel is coming off!!!) it might be because now my shoulders aren't slouched anymore or stuck right underneath my ears in an attempt to remained balanced as my head and heart are alternately filled to capacity with anger and apathy.

Thinner.

It's nice. I'm going to look so fly.

Solo Adventures....

I went out alone today...

Didn't find what I was looking for

but didn't get lost, you see?

guess todays theme...crunchy butter is the TRUTH.

the uncanny adventures...

Today I swear to you that if I told you everything that happened you would not believe me. Let's just say my friend and I were kidnapped, taken to the suburbs of Paris (under the guise of her performing - which she did and it was wonderful) where we were forced by this weird cult of older white French people (who were very kind) to watch a dvd of an Indian guy do a speech on finding your inner peace...

That wasn't even the kicker, although it should have been, then they brought out the guitars and sang songs for about an hour...then one of them decided that it would be funny to perform their song with a fake rasta cap on....there are no words.....