I lost something important...

Last month I lost a friend. A good friend. We had been friends for over 10 ten years - my first long term adult friend.  It was a very suessian 'oh the places we'll go' friendship. There was intrigue and aborted fights, dedication and lapses of such, horrific violations and periods of deep commitment and trust.  It started with a bang yet it ended with a whimper.

It was a bitch ending - a unfortunately worded and ill timed email landed on the wet toilet paper thin remnants of our friendship and fell through forever scarring the timid and failed connection. I'm not used to quiet endings -  I tend to go for the 'what the fuck you horrible person I hope you die and burn in hell' shots fired bridges burned type of ending.

And on that thoughtful note, maybe that means something. I'd like to think it means that these two girls loved each other and still do. Would (and have) give the world for each other but we have truly grown apart. To hold someone with love and respect and still lose them is a scary thing. I have loved this person through everything and maintained and fretted over this friendship like no one else in my life, none with my family, none of my romantic relationships and certainly none of my other friend friend relationships. Over curated perhaps certainly. I should note that none of the other people in my life needed such attention but how can something so examined, so thought about, so fixated on end?  I thought it was reality of the galaxy that things carefully contemplated on can be fixed. Not true.

My ex-friend and I are on opposing balconies separated by the abyss of who we are. We cannot cross it and my heart is broken. The scary thing going forward is being reminded that nothing is permanent, somethings you can't make work, especially not by yourself.  It means to me that people who I love could leave me or vice versa but I can't depend on them to be there forever. I know the soothing thing to think is that you should appreciated them while they are here but I'm not at that step just yet. 

I rest so heavily on the people who surround me. I take from them examples on being bold, examples on being determined, examples on being kind, smart, daring and thoughtful - my friends and family are my strength and the thought that they may not be there one day, like my ex-friend, is saddening. The fear and sadness do finally bring me into the realization that I need to look deeply into my circle, breath them in like a complex perfume, hold them gently and pray that they will return my love and care but most of all forgive my trespasses.

I do not plan to move froward in fear. In the last year I have put my burdens down and revealed myself (verbally) for the person I fully am. I have revealed that I am both strong and weak, wickedly smart and mathematically challenged, whipped tongued and stupidly sensitive and most importantly tired. Tired of listening and not talking (about myself), tired holding others up and while my own feet were tired. It was so beautiful when, after deep thought and contemplation (a.k.a therapy), I put those burdens down and watched as my circle surrounded me and held me. I was amazed as they checked in with me and held my hand and took me to eat and told me they loved and cared for me. and still do.

 I see now the arrogance of self-sacrifice - who are you to think that they can't do it? Whether they are tired or overburdened it was simply my fear that they could not be there for me and I would lose them - and a real fear because it happen to my friend and I - but you gain much by sharing your burdens and allowing your friends to feel the joy of giving to you.

Something to think about.

I have lost much, so much, in this journey to rest but oh how much have we gained.

Are you black... in America? Having sex??

So my new favorite blogger went to the rally to protest the defunding of Planned Parenthood last Saturday...I meant to go. smh @ myself. I even emailed the info for friends to go -- but didn't attend myself. When it came down to the decision to go, I'm embarrassed to say that I chose to hang with my guy friend and probably, ironically, get my name on the list of folks that can be found somewhere on this page....http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/. I am certainly not HIV positive (I have been tested recently) but my usual smugness was wiped from my face upon waiting for my results this year.

Normally my Russian nurse would say, "Would you like an HIV test in addition to your STD test?"
And I would casually look around the office with an "Aw shucks why not? My health insurance is going to pay for it right? Knock yourself out..."
Then I'd return to my office with my band-aid covered cotton ball in the crook of my arm and proudly show my students how responsible their counselor was being about her health [Black woman conquering stance].

Now I realized that the present test would be negative because I hadn't engaged in any risky behaviors prior to the end of last year buuuuuuut I can't say that any longer. I am desperately ashamed and disappointed in myself for not standing more firmly in what I believe in and for not standing up for my life and my health.

So everything came full circle when The Beautiful Struggler wrote:

I’m also highly concerned with figuring out ways to make Black people understand the gravity of our sexual health, as the abortion and STI-infection rates show that far too many of us are comfortable with having unprotected sex with no intention[sic] of having a child. As The Champ points out in the hilarious Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime (look for a review of the book here this week), even many of those people who are speaking at HIV-awareness events and preaching the gospel of safe sex are going home and leaving the condoms in the drawer[bold added].

wtf.

Sometimes I swear that the universe holds some people accountable for their contradictions and mistakes (me) and other get away scout free (wall street??).  So I now resign myself with the fact that I'm a statistic...

CDC states about African Americans:

African Americans continue to experience higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) than any other race/ethnicity in the US. The presence of certain STDs can significantly increase the chance of contracting HIV infection. A person who has both HIV infection and certain STDs has a greater chance of infecting others with HIV.

So now instead of having a random intellectual debate about people I know who aren't using protection I can and will talk about myself. Why didn't I use protection?  Here's why...

Simple.

It won't happen to me. That's why. In that moment of decision making, with my hormones pumping and the relief and chance of connection and love and touching -- I KNEW that I was the protagonist in this story and nothing happens to the protagonist that the protagonist can't overcome. I don't get the STD, my sidekick does. I don't die from from HIV, my red shirted* sidekick does. Do you hear my conviction in those words? Slam your fist on your desk to punctuate the sentiments...

I must believe it - Why else would I put my life in danger?

This egomaniacal relationship to the world with regard to the sex is deeply personal... and I suspect that it is also widespread. Everyone believes they are Superman or Batman, aka the most important component of their own life story and as an essential component, it won't happen to them. That shaking of the head you're doing right now -- I take that, I own that, I deserve that.  The sadder point to deal with is that I know the stats, I know the techniques to persuade, I know everything you're going to say in your Prevention speech - I still did it.

Sounds hopeless. It's not. I don't know how to get through to folks me about the issue. So much of that decision, in my experience, take place as a couple - a joint decision - I was always supported in doing the positive thing and when it was on my shoulders alone I dropped the ball. I suppose we need to practice prevention with the understanding that the heat of the moment decision is a joint decision - We need to ask the question, how do we make two individuals invested in prevention - not the individual alone.

I will, however, pick myself up, dust myself off, get focused and as some folks have said - become Pro-life (mine).

*star trek reference for those of you who don't indulge...red shirt die first and only...

Have you seen this??

Posted without comment for now...




Just let that waft over you for now....

Mystery solved...

Look who I found!!!




Last seen here!


Gonna go check our her blog now....

Looking for a savior?

Charlie Sheen is a genius. How else could one get round the clock coverage like this for free? He had to destroy his life to make it happen but he has enough money to fix it, no? no pity...

I want to address his 'goddesses' though. Those world-weary, roughed-up teenagers he has watching his children...yes, watching his twin boys...someone tell me why he even has (partial) custody of his kids?? Suspect...

The really dusty one looks up at him this morning on ABC and says lovingly into the camera "I respect him as the leader of his house, I listen to him"...

Now - you know where I'm going with this one...smh

Now I give lip service to the idea that people (women) have every right to choose whatever subjugated role that they feel comfortable in -- HOWEVER, when that man is at the living room table snorting 7g of coke up his nose then maybe, no judgement, maybe you should rethink your idea of what 'respecting your man' looks like. I'm just saying - isn't he the casebook reason that the christocentric hierarchical patterns of family structure that support patriarchy are a BAD idea?? I'm just saying.

Ms. Lady states,
"I respect Charlie as a man and I respect him as head of this household and trust him completely," she added. "If there's something I think is a little bad of an idea, I might say, ‘Babe, lets think about it this way.' It works. The system works for us."

Indeed it does. Indeed it does.

Oh wait...And here are the black girls saying the same stupid shit in response to a black man staying the same stupid shit. (the comments are priceless)

from the whittest..
What I do think is necessary to be said is that EVERYONE needs to read this article. Just as a man need to be the clear leader, women need to allow themselves to be lead. In this day (although I’m a fairly young 21 yr old), the culture does not foster strong women who rule the world yet allow their husbands be leaders in their marriages. If I’ve learned nothing else from my grandmother and mother about marriage, I’ve learned that a married woman’s goal is to help make her husband’s leadership as easy as possible and to activity try to make his vision reality.
(mute)

This guy warms my heart and puts women who claim that what it means to be a wife has anything to do with what the misguided sister above states in a tough position of having to explain their own internal desire to be subjugated.

from moodindigo...
Yes, there will be tough decisions with tough consequences. But I believe that the expectation that the husband leads comes from a worldview in which the man is the leader and as someone else said, that’s okay for some people.



I’m looking for a woman with a similar worldview as my own. My view is that as two grown adults we should be able to find a compromise. We should commit to that. And that’s a quality I strive to grow in and that’s an essential trait I’m looking for in a woman. And to be clear, compromise doesn’t always involve one decision but the choice of many and in that you can often find a middle ground. What I love about the process is that it forces you to communicate with each other, forces you to listen, which help builds the marriage. If the decision is truly about what’s best for the family and not what I or she wants, then we should be able to find a middle ground when we get to the heart of the issue.


There are some dealbreakers – hopefully we’ve been honest with each other upfront about them before saying “I do.” And yes there will be apparent dealbreakers that develop over the marriage because people change over time. But you’re committing to the person for who they become for the rest of your life (excluding unhealthy/abusive ish), not just who they are right now.


I think the leadership model has issues when two people do not share similar worldviews. And people can arrive at differences even when initially they were eye to eye. For example, what happens when two devoted Christians are married but later the husband becomes an athiest or agnostic – not just backslidden – but doesn’t believe in Christ at all. It happens. Does the wife still trust the husband’s lead? The only way for this marriage to survive is through compromise – which ultimately takes love – the laying down of yourself for the sake of your family.

Amen.

Makes my feminist giggle....

                                           

I love these shoes! Joel says their manrepellors... since that's what's hot right now (for quirky girls who don't want to be street harassed) I'm all for it.

love.

Expressing chaos.

These days when I shake my head I hear a million thoughts shifting around and bumping into each other, they are all jumbled and confused as to what they are supposed to be doing, why they exist - you know the meaningful question of existence. I think my brain is on one of those Redbull and Hennesy binges where it is ratchets up production and then gets mesmerized at the production line and stalls.


There are exactly three things the are knocking me out right now. First, The protests in the middle east. Specifically the contrast (luck) in the government response in Egypt versus the violence and death of about 233 protesters in Libya. I recall holding my breath and crossing my fingers hoping that the Egyption people would come though this without much bloodshed and then when it happened I got complacent. When Tunisia and others began to show unrest I assumed, naively I admit, that the revolutions would continue with the same type of relatively violence free movement. However, it seems that the oppression that others in the region faced was much harsher than in Egypt and the powers that be ruled with a real iron fist, the results --  'bodies littering the street' as one CNN correspondent stated, as the camera panned the street following a volley of bullets from the army into a crowd of people.


I'm stunned at the courage of the middle eastern protesters. My dirty embarrassing hidden secret is that I always assumed that regimes were unstoppable and it would take long sustained revolutions over time to make social changes without pulling out the guns. But. I get the 'Malcolm X spidey sense' that that particular process might be the gentle of lull of complacency urging me to go to the mall instead of doing (insert revolutionary activity). hmmm.


Second, I'm reading - At the Dark End of the Street: Black Women, Rape, and Resistance--A New History of the Civil Rights Movement from Rosa Parks to the Rise of Black Power by Denise L. McGuire.  All I can say is pause. Her book is so deep and revolutionary I can only read a couple of pages at a time before I end up staring out the subway window, stalled at the implications.  She discusses the way that abduction and brutal rape of black women was used as mental and physical racial terrorism in the same way as the more familiar terroristic lynching of black men. pause. I can't even comprehend that world. She talks about the way that law enforcement and the white community at large allowed the wholesale rape and abduction of black women in the south - the way that these men were known to law enforcement and nothing was done, a part of the method I'm sure. I believe she mentioned that the land mark case that marked a change in the relationship (ownership/use) of black women's bodies and their particular oppression was in 1944 (the year of my mothers birth).  1944...Prior to that, you could be abducted by a group of white men on the road, raped, and driven back to the road and nothing would have happen, no prosecution, nothing.  1944 Why have we never had this conversation before? How did families handle this violation? If kept a secret, what effect did this have on the women who held these secrets, carried these burdens alone? This is the world that my grandmother was raised in. Did you know my whole family migrated to the north and my grandmother refuses to even talk about going back there?Now I want to know more about why. Most importantly, how has that affected the black community today? What legacy has this atrocity left on relationships between black men and women, black women and white men and so on?


Then I heard that Tyler Perry is coming out with another Medea movie. pause.


Third, I'm also reading Many Thousands Gone: The First Two Centuries of Slavery in North America by Ira Berlin. He notes that slavery didn't have a single thread of evolution, it had four. There were at least four different type of slavery that moved through North and South America and that their relationship to enslaved people was different. There were different levels of autonomy and different levels of brutality... that then infected the remainder of the culture in relative ways. i.e brutal slave culture...brutal relationship to wives...heavy. Additionally, he notes that there was a time where the slave culture and idea of the slave was not based on race. A subject I initially encountered in, the yet to be finished, Toni Morrison's Mercy. He talks about landholding groups and slave owning groups that allowed blacks entry. He talks about the the merciless black handler who did not identify with the 'slaves' as he moved toward the capitalist ideal of slave holding himself. This apparently took place sometime around the 1600's, very early slavery. Having now encountered this fact in more than two sources I am inclined to believe it - although I understand the reluctance to be able to absorb this seemingly new or hidden historical information about the complex nature of slavery, people who were enslaved and people who held slaves. 


Turning off Hot97 now- I know it seems odd but it provides prospective for me so I don't have a rosewood moment AND I simultaneously understand what is at stake for communities (mine) that have lost a sense of the history. (kanye sings 'I not paying tonight I'm just browsing' - mute)


So hasn't the theme, and isn't the energy, in the world right now about resistance and sacrifice for the justice? But...black people have been told that, with the exception of Marcus Garvey, we never resisted, we had no autonomy, we were simply passives slaves to be used and abused until Harriet Tubman came along with Fredrick Douglas and freed us - Thank you President Lincoln. amen everything is forgiven.


So obviously the conversation is about acquiescence to oppression and the inability or unwillingness of black people in American to resist and sacrifice in the same way that protesters are doing in the middle east.  We, black Americans, have fought and died in the past and how this land is our land as well, we were not, are not, visitors but cultivators and active agents. Would we die for this land knowing that our foremothers and fathers struggled to survive and died for out to exist here?


Here's a better question, I have been struggling with this over the past few days, -- what would justice look like for black Americans today?

This sista...

can write. aspirations present. gauntlet thrown. lol.

Happy Valentines DAY!!!!

On this Monday morning, I think it appropriate to to remark on things that get on my fucking nerves like having to get up in the morning. Why the hell? And why isn't Monday "Tuesday"? I shouldn't have to be here until tomorrow -- seriously. Next, why the 'sex you down R "why did he pee in that little girls face' Kelly' session on the radio-- I mean even if you're juiced for a bit of tapping this morning...aren't you getting your tired ass up for work?? Whatever the reason (there isn't one) the shit isn't cool to do to the 95% of the people who are at work.

Next, I think my roommates have a running joke on me -- I"m certain they discuss something like this...no matter what time she gets up, no matter how early -- let's tag team the shower so she can be late..Can someone explain to me how the fuck you can shower at 945 one day but 8am another? you skizord mutherfuckers. And on that note will EVERYONE please stop making reverse turns in front of me -- I'm not saying you should know where you are at all times (you should know where you are at all times) but could you step to the side so other people who googled before leaving can get where they are going ON TIME...

and lastly...little Spanish man in the bodega...you knew I was coming in to buy my pulp free Tropicana orange juice sometime between 9 and 11am, explain to me why you decided to load up the refrigerator even though it was already full? Please get out of my way. I saved my most vitriolic thoughts for my supervisor, as you were no doubt already expecting; She knows I'm on a diet right? Why did that motherfucker buy the expensive sugar cookies that I always wanted from Whoelfoods and leave them next to the swipe in clock..you know I can't not eat that. Fucked up and so delicious...

and ain't that a blip..went to the bathroom only to discover that the fucking incompetents from GAP left the dam plastic theft deterring tag on my splurge shirt from a month ago...how am I supposed to get this off without a receipt....wear it around all day?

Despite all of the impediments to my morning calmness, I had a great Valentines day...spent waaaay too much money... for some reason I think I'm on holiday from life when he's around -- dishes don't get done, bathroom is atrocious, and when did I last mop my floor? No frickin idea...

I am, however, going to have a great weekend, the girls and I are getting together for healthly dinner and movies on friday and then surprise date on saturday night with the guy - and...It's a pay week! So I finish my the last of my bills and I'm sending out my last two applications! Somebody let me in!!! Damn it!!!