Monday, November 8, 2010

Is it me?

Hello there.

How are you?

Great great. I'm well too. Things are good with you? Great great to hear.

How well do you think people know you? The real you? 1, 2, 20? I hate when people think they know me. I always thought my entire life that I was completely transparent. You wanted to know what I thought...or was thinking... you know I would tell you whether I meant to share or not..(filter aquired).  I've been realizing that I'm not as open as I thought. I tend to share with very few people, I 'talk' with lots of people...but share? Not too many. I've been going out of my way to share lately and I always think it's funny when people are surprised when I share things I'm not sure of or things like that. You dummy(!), just because people (1) don't spill their weaknesses all over the blogospere doesn't mean they aren't there and (2) just because a person doesn't fall apart every time something goes wrong doesn't mean they don't hurt. I know you feel the same way....

Well this chick the other day says to me. "I don't think you're happy." You know she got the 'bitch please' eyebrow and silence (my new over effective filter - trying to get rid of it). There is NOTHING I hate more than people trying to 'read' you and getting it WRONG. You. Don't. Know. Me. So uhm, have some humility and ask me before you assigned some shit to me. 

I will respond though and remark that I am not Unhappy. I am overwhelmed. over-frickin-whelmed. I have two months to make extremely challenging life changing decisions and none of them easy. I am applying for a new job with a very prestigious company..and the letters I have to write must be 'great' not just good and grammatically correct but appealing and attention grabbing -- I used to be a horrible I'm...less horrible. I have to take the GRE by February...have you seen the math section??? Good god save me. I said I would never look at that math again after statistics-- math is one of those skills that I have to work doesn't come naturally to be me like chemistry or biology... I have to apply to 7, read 7, different schools (a few ivies) in different parts of the city and northeast...and they aren't the same programs....

So I'm not happy I have to drop 1200 bucks on a kaplan class. I'm not happy I have to explain my goals in life when they keep changing. I'm not happy that I want to do everything - don't pigeon hole me! I'm not happy my mother doesn't want me to step one foot farther away from her than I am now and I want to go get lost somewhere where they don't speak English (but don't have gang raping militia roaming around ...Congo is oooout - sorry Veronique). I'm not happy I don't have more money. I'm not happy my ex was a dolt. I'm not happy I gained weight (although it looks great on my ass...) -- But I'm not Unhappy.

I'll think I'm going to have to take it back to the Philly old school when I say,

mind yur bitness mizz.

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