Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Expressing chaos.

These days when I shake my head I hear a million thoughts shifting around and bumping into each other, they are all jumbled and confused as to what they are supposed to be doing, why they exist - you know the meaningful question of existence. I think my brain is on one of those Redbull and Hennesy binges where it is ratchets up production and then gets mesmerized at the production line and stalls.

There are exactly three things the are knocking me out right now. First, The protests in the middle east. Specifically the contrast (luck) in the government response in Egypt versus the violence and death of about 233 protesters in Libya. I recall holding my breath and crossing my fingers hoping that the Egyption people would come though this without much bloodshed and then when it happened I got complacent. When Tunisia and others began to show unrest I assumed, naively I admit, that the revolutions would continue with the same type of relatively violence free movement. However, it seems that the oppression that others in the region faced was much harsher than in Egypt and the powers that be ruled with a real iron fist, the results --  'bodies littering the street' as one CNN correspondent stated, as the camera panned the street following a volley of bullets from the army into a crowd of people.

I'm stunned at the courage of the middle eastern protesters. My dirty embarrassing hidden secret is that I always assumed that regimes were unstoppable and it would take long sustained revolutions over time to make social changes without pulling out the guns. But. I get the 'Malcolm X spidey sense' that that particular process might be the gentle of lull of complacency urging me to go to the mall instead of doing (insert revolutionary activity). hmmm.

Second, I'm reading - At the Dark End of the Street: Black Women, Rape, and Resistance--A New History of the Civil Rights Movement from Rosa Parks to the Rise of Black Power by Denise L. McGuire.  All I can say is pause. Her book is so deep and revolutionary I can only read a couple of pages at a time before I end up staring out the subway window, stalled at the implications.  She discusses the way that abduction and brutal rape of black women was used as mental and physical racial terrorism in the same way as the more familiar terroristic lynching of black men. pause. I can't even comprehend that world. She talks about the way that law enforcement and the white community at large allowed the wholesale rape and abduction of black women in the south - the way that these men were known to law enforcement and nothing was done, a part of the method I'm sure. I believe she mentioned that the land mark case that marked a change in the relationship (ownership/use) of black women's bodies and their particular oppression was in 1944 (the year of my mothers birth).  1944...Prior to that, you could be abducted by a group of white men on the road, raped, and driven back to the road and nothing would have happen, no prosecution, nothing.  1944 Why have we never had this conversation before? How did families handle this violation? If kept a secret, what effect did this have on the women who held these secrets, carried these burdens alone? This is the world that my grandmother was raised in. Did you know my whole family migrated to the north and my grandmother refuses to even talk about going back there?Now I want to know more about why. Most importantly, how has that affected the black community today? What legacy has this atrocity left on relationships between black men and women, black women and white men and so on?

Then I heard that Tyler Perry is coming out with another Medea movie. pause.

Third, I'm also reading Many Thousands Gone: The First Two Centuries of Slavery in North America by Ira Berlin. He notes that slavery didn't have a single thread of evolution, it had four. There were at least four different type of slavery that moved through North and South America and that their relationship to enslaved people was different. There were different levels of autonomy and different levels of brutality... that then infected the remainder of the culture in relative ways. i.e brutal slave culture...brutal relationship to wives...heavy. Additionally, he notes that there was a time where the slave culture and idea of the slave was not based on race. A subject I initially encountered in, the yet to be finished, Toni Morrison's Mercy. He talks about landholding groups and slave owning groups that allowed blacks entry. He talks about the the merciless black handler who did not identify with the 'slaves' as he moved toward the capitalist ideal of slave holding himself. This apparently took place sometime around the 1600's, very early slavery. Having now encountered this fact in more than two sources I am inclined to believe it - although I understand the reluctance to be able to absorb this seemingly new or hidden historical information about the complex nature of slavery, people who were enslaved and people who held slaves. 

Turning off Hot97 now- I know it seems odd but it provides prospective for me so I don't have a rosewood moment AND I simultaneously understand what is at stake for communities (mine) that have lost a sense of the history. (kanye sings 'I not paying tonight I'm just browsing' - mute)

So hasn't the theme, and isn't the energy, in the world right now about resistance and sacrifice for the justice? But...black people have been told that, with the exception of Marcus Garvey, we never resisted, we had no autonomy, we were simply passives slaves to be used and abused until Harriet Tubman came along with Fredrick Douglas and freed us - Thank you President Lincoln. amen everything is forgiven.

So obviously the conversation is about acquiescence to oppression and the inability or unwillingness of black people in American to resist and sacrifice in the same way that protesters are doing in the middle east.  We, black Americans, have fought and died in the past and how this land is our land as well, we were not, are not, visitors but cultivators and active agents. Would we die for this land knowing that our foremothers and fathers struggled to survive and died for out to exist here?

Here's a better question, I have been struggling with this over the past few days, -- what would justice look like for black Americans today?

Monday, February 14, 2011

This sista...

can write. aspirations present. gauntlet thrown. lol.

Happy Valentines DAY!!!!

On this Monday morning, I think it appropriate to to remark on things that get on my fucking nerves like having to get up in the morning. Why the hell? And why isn't Monday "Tuesday"? I shouldn't have to be here until tomorrow -- seriously. Next, why the 'sex you down R "why did he pee in that little girls face' Kelly' session on the radio-- I mean even if you're juiced for a bit of tapping this morning...aren't you getting your tired ass up for work?? Whatever the reason (there isn't one) the shit isn't cool to do to the 95% of the people who are at work.

Next, I think my roommates have a running joke on me -- I"m certain they discuss something like this...no matter what time she gets up, no matter how early -- let's tag team the shower so she can be late..Can someone explain to me how the fuck you can shower at 945 one day but 8am another? you skizord mutherfuckers. And on that note will EVERYONE please stop making reverse turns in front of me -- I'm not saying you should know where you are at all times (you should know where you are at all times) but could you step to the side so other people who googled before leaving can get where they are going ON TIME...

and lastly...little Spanish man in the bodega...you knew I was coming in to buy my pulp free Tropicana orange juice sometime between 9 and 11am, explain to me why you decided to load up the refrigerator even though it was already full? Please get out of my way. I saved my most vitriolic thoughts for my supervisor, as you were no doubt already expecting; She knows I'm on a diet right? Why did that motherfucker buy the expensive sugar cookies that I always wanted from Whoelfoods and leave them next to the swipe in clock..you know I can't not eat that. Fucked up and so delicious...

and ain't that a blip..went to the bathroom only to discover that the fucking incompetents from GAP left the dam plastic theft deterring tag on my splurge shirt from a month ago...how am I supposed to get this off without a receipt....wear it around all day?

Despite all of the impediments to my morning calmness, I had a great Valentines day...spent waaaay too much money... for some reason I think I'm on holiday from life when he's around -- dishes don't get done, bathroom is atrocious, and when did I last mop my floor? No frickin idea...

I am, however, going to have a great weekend, the girls and I are getting together for healthly dinner and movies on friday and then surprise date on saturday night with the guy - and...It's a pay week! So I finish my the last of my bills and I'm sending out my last two applications! Somebody let me in!!! Damn it!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The View....

This is the view from my job, well that's only half of it....
It's amazing.
On days like this I stare out the window and wonder what it looked like hundred years ago, three hundred years ago, etc...

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dating and Blogging...

Let's be real here -
I spend a great deal of time entertaining you guys with my dating tales. I tell you stories and give them names and generally roast them behind their backs. But it is quite safe to go about calling a grown man (a short grown man with soft hands) 'candles' behind his back on a blog that no one knows about -- on purpose. It's a release for me because I get to reveal myself while working out my issues in a humorous way..

However: What if you are dating someone who knows about your blog -- and reads it?

He didn't read it!!! #failuretosupport

VSB just wrote a post about all the arguments he has gotten into blogging while dating. Since I'm not a relationship blogger I have less pressure but I do feel like my hands are tied (and not in the good way. pause).  So now I have to go inside and work things out in my head and you all know that is a complicated place.  Writing forces your ideas into a ordered form whereas, in my brain, my thoughts float around reckless - covered in complications, selfishness, old angers, dreams, desires and other crazy shit -- but in the sentence there is literally no room for all that shit and thus -- revelations and shit -- revealed.

For me anyway.

Now let me say this: This dude in the past rarely revealed himself - or at least in a way that I could identify - I'm sure it happened but it wasn't on the level I was at, so I always felt like I was out on emotional  cliff alone. Now, he says he's grown and changed and able to share his emotional core...But I still have the shakes on that issue. Thus, I'm reluctant to be open all by  myself again -- you feel me? I don't want my happy self all over this blog for the world and him -- okay, all 3 of you -- to see while he chills. Feel me?
Honestly I don't think I have an issue with revelation and taking that first step but go first again? hmmmm

(Where is my burn cream?)

OMG - You won't believe what JUST came on the radio..............................
Roberta Flack ft. Donny Hathaway's

"Back together again" -- that is hilarious...right? Universe. Sense of humour. etc. etc. 



Saturday, February 5, 2011

Star Trek:TNG

ALL day!

Watching the very first episode right now. Farpoint station - where the great Q character is introduced - omnipotent arrogant god like figure...who just shows up randomly, most often to fuck with humanity for the fun of it...

That's all (as adiva ends hers) for now -- tata....

Friday, February 4, 2011


My palms are all sweaty. That space between my eyeballs is all puckered, no doubt setting the groundwork for future winkles - well folds rather - because I plan on being fat, like all black matriarchs (on TV). I keep taking deep sighing breaths trying to allay the uneasiness in my stomach.

Tomorrow is the day. The day I send in my first application and subsequently begin to pretend that it doesn't matter. It's not my favorite school - so what?  But it matters, it says everything about what I can do in the future with the mistakes of past still weighing me down. Redemption and growth is not a free pass to an empty backpack, it just makes the weight more comfortable. 

You can forgive yourself for that anonymous group encounter back in the day (last week?) but that std will still itch...yuck, you see what I mean though.

I'm itching then, will I get relief?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Valentines Day...

Often I enjoy chillin with my co-worker until about January 28th,
(pour the appleton+grape soda -- don't sleep) (don't blog and appleton either)

because then he starts browsing the net for shoes or bags or whatever expensive gift he is getting his girl of upmteen years. Our daily visit to gilt and ruelala are now focused on lingerie, dinner coupons and what not. Don't panic - it doesn't send me into a pit of despair -- it's just an annoying reminder..like that student loan email.

     "Hi there! Don't forget to give us your whole check this week...toodles!"

Last last year I got a bear. It was like 50 bucks. Why do I know that? Tasteless. Why didn't teddy bear buyer know that I despise stuffed animals??? Do I look like a person  who would like teddy bears?

she likes stuffed animals
No. No I do not.

So then what's going to happen this year? Dunno. I can't decide if Valentines day means anything to me. I suppose you have an obligation to say ur doing something... Occasionally the girls hang together, chill out, drink, enjoy ourselves -- but there is a underlying spirit, a forced congregation to the gathering -- we ARE going to get together to have SOMETHING to do on THIS day.  It never felt less than though, I always enjoy quality time with the girls.

So ideally, were I to be in a long term, like my co-worker, I'd like v-day to be one of many days (everyday :)) where my partner and I express our love for each other.  I'd hate v-day to be the ONE obligatory day my imaginary partner and I show love...ack* kill me.

I am dating a young man right now, as you well know...


I've never done that before (and want to desperately) -- wonder if it'd be welcomed...(thoughtful)...too much?

What are you doing for v-day? Wanna hang out????

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Compramise and Chili the demanding....and hangnails

Alright I said I had no extra words - I lied. I just need to take a mental walk to get away from the tedium of repeatedly answering the same question over and over.

My mind keeps drifting over to the episode of What Chili Wants that I watched (dvr!) last night.

(head cocked thoughtfully)

In my polling of folks thoughts about the show, I feel comfortable stating I may be the only person (man or woman) on Chili's side. Obviously, as a reality TV show, the premise and interest in the show rest on the natural or outrageous flaw of the star of the show -- think drinking and showing her panties in Snookie -- and Chilli's 'flaw' is that she wants too much, that she is too demanding....

Well, I don't see the dam problem, I thought all of those dudes were whacked out.  I would have rejected all of them last season and this season is just weird...so no comment as of yet.

But my central question is this: How do you know when you are asking for too much?

I ask this because I feel like my list, though vastly different, mimics the length or intensity of Chili's.  So am I asking for too much? I mean, let's be real, I know how to compromise and have done so on many occasions, personally, professionally and in love...you know that...but it sucks the MOST in relationships...trust. I dunno why.

I was thinking this afternoon about certain situations [it was the lunchtime debate]-- like, what if you get 70% of what you want...is that where you are supposed to suck everything else up? or is it 55%?  85%? Granted I know you want to answer that everyone has to choose where they feel comfortable but that's bullshit -- the way that Chili and other women like her are being judged there clearly is a societal line between having standards and being too demanding -- what is it???

Sometimes when I am in the rare position of having everything I want (76% not 80% - Why did I get married reference) it only magnifies the things I am not getting. It's like when you run your finger tip over your nail and hit that tiny bitty hang nail - you are not thinking, "boy, the rest of my nail is so smooth" you go about getting rid of that hang nail - that is what you focuson until you get rid of it, no? It's the reason why we picks scabs!! They are marring our smooth skin, they aren't suppose to be there!! Well, I pick at my scabs anyway, maybe you are more disciplined than I am.

Alright: you tell me if I'm asking for too much, I'ma tell the truth too...

Tall* or taller than me, ethical, nice hands*, creative*, kind, romantic, adventurous, wants to travel, wants a family, wants to be married, integrity, ambitious, assertive, good kisser, sexually adventurous, curious about life, mature, comfortable with emotions, emotionally expressive, thoughtful, compromising, loving, physically expressive, attractive or attentive to one's appearance if one is ugly, masculine, loyal and protective of love ones(and me).

This isn't exhaustive, I'm sure -- Tell me what I forgot (stars* are things I think I will compromise on) and then tell me if I'm asking for too  much -- I can handle critique (in theory). I get the sense that I need to figure this out since I'm in full dating mode right?? ;) Help!

Apps in Process -- no extra words availible...