Friday, November 25, 2011

No Locking Posts!!

I was devastated months ago when I finally realized that I couldn't lock posts...

It meant that in place of my funny date stories - there would be no funny bf stories.  Stories just aren't as funny when you're held accountable, or could hurt someones feelings, and honestly it simply isn't fun knowing that it ends up being like a message etc...

So in response I've said nothing.

tre boring.

I'm thinking of breaking the seal....

Letting it out...

But like I said previously I don't wanna be the single in the twin letting everything out and  the other single gets to stay safe behind silence...

Oh power plays...

the annoyance....

Sigh (cracks knuckles)

So I spent thanksgivings with the beau's family because my mother decided that now was the best time to go on vacation. So in 32 years of life - this year was the first I did not spend with my family. I was/am devastated. There were MANY blogable moments - including finally meeting mama's baby boy, aka Shareef - but before we left mom's house for dad's house (oh, yeah I was all UP in this families ass for twelve hours) I got a little loose with the tongue with moms.

faux pa.

She was discussing her need for her baby boy and beloved wife of baby boy to have children. I take blame. I did mention that couples usually get a dog as a trail before winding their way up to children (should have been my first sign that my tongue was loose)... So I, obviously feeling comfortable, decided to share that I was ready to have children...soon. We had discussed my boundaries with time and her son before so this wasn't exactly news to her. But then I started talking about how before he had come around I was considering having children alone and I put off thinking about to see where this would go...I had always assumed I would have children I didn't have to share, blah blah blah.

Her response?

Weeellllll, Mrs. Mom is generally talkative so I wasn't going to get the rude silence if she was displeased. Honestly, I will never know....which will simply feed my anxiety about the diarrhea mouth.

ah well. the beau will have to let me know (hint,hint)....

Friday, November 18, 2011

A natural woman...

Resource room thoughts...Go!


You make me feel. You make me feel like a . na.tur.ral. You make me a nat.ur.ral. woooman.

Dam. What does it feel like to feel like that? A natural woman? In this social moment - I guess we would have to take it to Lady Gaga's Born this way....

with certainty, that's not what Aretha was talking about. Now I know not to fantasise about romance novels those aren't real, but this shit snuck up and got to me.

I don't know what it is but I want it!!

Is it when your S.O. runs his their head (Freudian slip - I meant hand...I guess I meant head - smh) hand up your thigh and tells you that you are it. Just it? I'm sure the right answer is something like feeling whole in yourself and sharing that with your preferred other but smack that. I've been single and that is a hollow pill to swallow - placebo effect....hate to say it ( I mean feel it).

paradoxically, i'm sure i've not had this natural woman thing. Not with a boyfriend (insert irony) I don't think. Maybe the dark one but that was so long ago and those memories are packed tight in a waterlogged cardboard file at the bottom of the basement. eh.

The bff said yesterday "I'm not in the best of shape but I look good naked" and I thought, "Wow, I haven't felt like that in a long time." I didn't even realize I hadn't felt steamy, sultry, sexy for while until that moment...

aw shit.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Ah well...

Thanks Blogger.

You must be prescient. You somehow knew what I needed today was a reminder of how little I impact the world.

You were thinking to yourself "that dam bekabug needs a kick in the pants!"... show her how many people read her blog...*snicker*

4, on a good day. :)

y'all are all who matter to me.


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Friday, November 4, 2011


I'm chilling in the resource room bumping Al Green's Here I am baby...

(come and take me..take me by the hand)

Loving, loving what I'm doing. I don't normally say I'm lucky, or even worse, blessed. Mainly because I feel the presence of good fortune rests on a shaky foundation and if you bring attention to it it will fall - egg to concrete. Don't test it. Don't look forward to it. Don't expect it. And be grateful when it shows up.

Yet right now?

Even through Everything that has happened. I feel snug as a bug in a rug in the bosom of God's goodwill. It may not last but it's here right now.

and seriously right now - i am truly exhausted. all week i have gone home and gone directly to sleep. do not pass go. do not watch the daily show (well, watch as teeth brushing is commencing). do not call the beau (who was busy anyway). ocho snuggle. star gate universe. sleep. oversleep. start over.

Last week I was surrounded by loved ones and etcs moving and such but my recovery time for upheaval in the hierarchy (see.below) is slloooowwwinnng down. Never mind I haven't been able to afford my bounty of fruits and veggies...Never mind all my meats are pumped full of crap because I can't afford the good stuff. At least I haven't gotten sick.

Social work moment:

Yeah, see the safety and physical needs? uhm yeah. fiddling with those sucks. Hey you watching out for these things yourself? Required assignment to keep from ending up on my couch....

Anyhoo - I'm home. Home in my cheap apt. and so much so home in my placement. I had an hour discussion with supervisor about how to get into this world in two years...the starting salary is sweeeeeet. I love working with these kids. Maybe I won't like all kids. But these kids? They make me feel like I'm supposed to be here working with them. I've had some set backs with kiddies shutting down and withdrawing. I've had some amazing successes as well with some of the most difficult kids showing remarkable improvement (and honestly, who knows rebellious smartalecky kids who read too much better than me?). It is truly a joy - and isn't this why I went through all of the drama for the last two years?

I suppose so.

(msw cousin paving the way for the mswdr. movement - get ready!)