I lost something important...

Last month I lost a friend. A good friend. We had been friends for over 10 ten years - my first long term adult friend.  It was a very suessian 'oh the places we'll go' friendship. There was intrigue and aborted fights, dedication and lapses of such, horrific violations and periods of deep commitment and trust.  It started with a bang yet it ended with a whimper.

It was a bitch ending - a unfortunately worded and ill timed email landed on the wet toilet paper thin remnants of our friendship and fell through forever scarring the timid and failed connection. I'm not used to quiet endings -  I tend to go for the 'what the fuck you horrible person I hope you die and burn in hell' shots fired bridges burned type of ending.

And on that thoughtful note, maybe that means something. I'd like to think it means that these two girls loved each other and still do. Would (and have) give the world for each other but we have truly grown apart. To hold someone with love and respect and still lose them is a scary thing. I have loved this person through everything and maintained and fretted over this friendship like no one else in my life, none with my family, none of my romantic relationships and certainly none of my other friend friend relationships. Over curated perhaps certainly. I should note that none of the other people in my life needed such attention but how can something so examined, so thought about, so fixated on end?  I thought it was reality of the galaxy that things carefully contemplated on can be fixed. Not true.

My ex-friend and I are on opposing balconies separated by the abyss of who we are. We cannot cross it and my heart is broken. The scary thing going forward is being reminded that nothing is permanent, somethings you can't make work, especially not by yourself.  It means to me that people who I love could leave me or vice versa but I can't depend on them to be there forever. I know the soothing thing to think is that you should appreciated them while they are here but I'm not at that step just yet. 

I rest so heavily on the people who surround me. I take from them examples on being bold, examples on being determined, examples on being kind, smart, daring and thoughtful - my friends and family are my strength and the thought that they may not be there one day, like my ex-friend, is saddening. The fear and sadness do finally bring me into the realization that I need to look deeply into my circle, breath them in like a complex perfume, hold them gently and pray that they will return my love and care but most of all forgive my trespasses.

I do not plan to move froward in fear. In the last year I have put my burdens down and revealed myself (verbally) for the person I fully am. I have revealed that I am both strong and weak, wickedly smart and mathematically challenged, whipped tongued and stupidly sensitive and most importantly tired. Tired of listening and not talking (about myself), tired holding others up and while my own feet were tired. It was so beautiful when, after deep thought and contemplation (a.k.a therapy), I put those burdens down and watched as my circle surrounded me and held me. I was amazed as they checked in with me and held my hand and took me to eat and told me they loved and cared for me. and still do.

 I see now the arrogance of self-sacrifice - who are you to think that they can't do it? Whether they are tired or overburdened it was simply my fear that they could not be there for me and I would lose them - and a real fear because it happen to my friend and I - but you gain much by sharing your burdens and allowing your friends to feel the joy of giving to you.

Something to think about.

I have lost much, so much, in this journey to rest but oh how much have we gained.