Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What's going on....

When I was in Paris with my soul friend Walela, I had an epiphany. I was turning 31 years old and had a naggin feeling in my heart - I was vocationally stucked. I needed to make a move but felt that I was burdened by my past decisions. I was so pathetic I wasn't even a deer in the headlights, I was comfortably sitting on the side of a road chilling with my lack luster grass. The cars were passing my sad complacent self by - I wasn't even trying to cross the road. My soul sister forced me to listen to *Ugh T.D jakes, and we talked about natural haircare abroad *perilous, and we talked about attempts to make our dreams come true *can one still model at 30?, and we just burned incense and watched Kat Williams *the kevin hart of his time on You tube. It was deep even when it was superficial. One night she turned to me, as I sat on her remarkably comfortable areo space bed (eurosized -- don't turn over unless you plan on getting up), and said you will have something come to you, it will be revealed and you will be comforted..aight that last part I made up but it sounded good!

I woke up the day before my birthday from a vivid dream, so strong I still remember (but not share) it - I woke up with my hands clenched and the anger pouring out of me. I was so angry I shocked myself, I didn't know I could be so passionately angery. But as I sat up at 430am in the morning, to a view of the effiel tower, I literally watched as the anger left my body and a sense of peace and certainty was replaced. I knew then that inspite of the percieved obstacles (which would be repeated to me adnauseum even up to this sunday) that I was to follow this path and get my M.S.W. I had attempted to get my M.S.W about five years and was denied, but I felt that the spirit run through me, it felt calm and overwhelming just succinct and sure. This is the path. I popped up and starting researching and taking notes on my road map. Since then everyone of my mentors (except the one that mattered), and plenty of friends attemped to desuade me - you can't make any money, that field is beleagered...there is no real scorlorship, no respect etc etc. BUT the path that you are set upon, if truley ordained, can handle strigent questioning, and I set about doing so...I researched every job, every idea of what I thought I wanted to with my life, looked at different degrees and put them to the heart test -- did they make me feel like I felt that day? Did it feel real? Did it feel ordained?

I never in my life had so many people feel so determined to suggest, and even demand, that I choose a different path.  But after much meditation and fear, I applied to schools, only the ones that felt right and only the ones that do what I want to do -- all reaches. I got in.

I can't believe that I am finally going back to school. I feel like I took the steps toward the road and am fully prepared for those head lights to hit me -- I know which way to go now. I know what it feels like now, the test, when it's right and when it isn't.  From now on I'm holding everything to my heart and listening intently...Listening for the truth and then hitting that path sprinting - trying to catch up.


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