Saturday, September 10, 2011

That way goes trouble...

Yesterday was a scary day for me. It was one of those days when I fully felt my humanity. I mean that most days I go through the day fulfilling my duties to some degree, waking, washing, going to work, talking to people, filling out paperwork, hanging out out with my friends and spending quality time with Ocho. Whether or not I am going to die rarely comes up.

Yesterday I did not think I was going to die. I felt though, at the end of the day, that I could see the seams of my humanity, my sanity, myself begin to bloat until the bits of glue holding the edges together began to make those stringy stalactites in attempt to hold me together. I stood on 120th and Lexington and reached deep down in my strength and decided that I was not going to lose it on that street because I said so. It was so weird, I felt like a super hero, or and Octavia Butler character - it was like I had this orange ball of strength that I reached into to stick myself back together - it futile though, like using spit on ashy elbows. I knew that I wasn't going to make it home before I fell apart. I was thinking "If you could just make it home before all this comes out you will be fine". But just as I thought that the edges of my vision got all fuzzy. I was's 5 something and rush hour on the 4 train is cut throat - I can't make it home through that. I thought about sitting on the steps for a while and calling Mo, since that is what I usually do - but she was too far away and I was scared to be alone with all this "stuff" coming out. So I called Tasha and she came to help me keep it together. I was thinking somewhere around 10 O'clock that I really didn't want to be alone - I felt like I had broken up with someone. You know how you feel when the initial numbness goes away and the hurt, pain, and missing them hits? Yeah...that's how I feel now.

Yesterday started with blessings and ended with me looking at a tunnel and realizing that that ways goes trouble. One way is determination, and the other depression. One way stout with the possibility of failure, the other a vocational coma.  Although I was sad yesterday morning I got to school early and decided to grab a bite. I was talking to my friend jazzy who called to check in with me (blessing #1) and to tell me that there is a possibility I could move in with her...if her roomy leaves (life changing that would be [yoda voice]). While talking to her I see a tall, attractive chocolate young man who looks familiar. I glance at him. He glances at me. I walk over to him and say Don't I-- and He reaches over sweeps me into a hug and says "Ms. Adens!?!" It was an old student from one of the programs I used to teach at about 5 years ago. Short story long, he works there now and they need a night GED teacher....(blessings blessing blessing). We exchange numbers and he leaves with a promise to give me the info about the job. I walk over to the counter to get my ill advised breakfast purchase and the papi tells me "nothing baby that guy paid for it"....What is the message??

Yesterday I stepped into school and swiped my id card with all the hope in the world - my finger tips tingly with possibility and excitement that disaster could be diverted.   Then during class I check my email to see if the dean had written me back. She did, just to reiterate that there was nothing that could be done. I would receive my first payment today and every Monday until the end of the term...stop..wait..what? Yall aren't giving me a lump sum? Nope - they are going to give me a weekly check instead of my money...because I am not an adult enough to budget my own cash, I can't be trusted with the money that I took out as a loan. I'm being infantilized by a system that fucked my life up in the first place...?

Let me be more clear. The dean and I decided that I could pay my rent for four months and not eat in January. My rent needs exceeds my cash for the if you spread it out evenly it doesn't give me enough monthly to pay for four months. Follow me? I won't make my rent and I haven't even tried to eat yet.

This morning I am feeling better. [Section Redacted] I think over all that there are many details missing from this post - it is simply because I was so fascinated by that emotion event, it was like seeing my own heart beat, that I had to share it that way.  I am not going to say "don't worry about me" because I am fully aware of the content of this post and the mercury heaviness of this revelation but I am not a danger to myself and others. Promise.

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