Sunday, December 5, 2010
Dam, i'm fucked up. I got work to do.
I'm finally working on my statement of purpose for school. I can't fathom the emotional hesitancy that had me procrastinate this for so long. The distractions I have employed to put it aside...obsessing over if 'he' is going to call, traveling to different states to 'work on it' with friends, attending lectures, retreats and information sessions instead of fucking sitting down and writing the bitch out. I knew I had reached a new low with that obsession of when 'dude' was going to call. I can like someone but obsessing is definitely not my steelo.
"So what is really going on with you Ms. lady?" I had to ask myself, "If you're thinking about him what aren't you thinking about?"
Then way back in that dark corner of my mind that little trader tentatively mentioned in a quiet voice..."Your paper, your internship and your job" and I guess when that voice didn't met any resistance from me she slipped to the front and just started ticking them off her fingers:
"You didn't process the information you got when you went to Virginia, you didn't take notes from the last information session, you didn't find out when the next m.s.w meeting was going to be this year, you never contacted that dude from NYU and asked him questions about that policy degree he has, you never put the information from the bread retreat into your notes for the office and for the paper, you haven't asked rice formally to write a reference for you and you still have checked with Dionne about getting a reference letter from D. Williams."
Is this what fear of success looks like? I still maintain that it is truly fear of failure - but whatever. It feel true and I don't need therapy to confirm that for me.
alright. back to work.