Monday, January 10, 2011

My head is spinning...

I'm not sure if I should write five separate blogs or try to hastily update you on everything all at once.  Fantasia is rocking in the background and my desk piled up with work while my stomach is full of ... butterflies. I've had too many realizations in last week that  I can't process it all and I feel like the wheels of my life are skidding forward and I'm tense waiting for that final brake hoping my teeth don't get cracked on that face plant.

I suppose if I tighten my back muscle I'll make it through...

I'll go in order and do tiny slice.

1. Level 3 Friends. Fuck 'em. So a 'good' friend of mine fucked me. Royally. I was supposed to have a certain famous (in her circle) and ageing academic write a recommendation for me. I have been discussing this with this friend for over a year. The last week of December, after I check in on the progress -- she tells me it's not going to happen. Now I know you want to ask me...why didn't it happen? Did she forget? Was the woman too sick?  Guess what? It doesn't matter -- I'm still fucked so I didn't ask. I have a backup plan and luckily had an additional reference in case but I did not want to use it. I don't fully trust this person (my current boss) and wouldn't want to put my future in her per view. (She will be turning a preview copy prior to it being sent out -- I'm grown, we are beyond that whole send out a secret reference..seriously people...) So there is that....

2. I reread my discovery draft of my statement of purpose -- aka, the most important thing I've written in my life -- and it sucks. So I'm currently procrastinating getting back in the weeds....

3. Dating. It's confusing and I wish there were a manual. I had written someone off but they decided to call me this morning and surprise me. Oh shucks, I'm being vague. Sexist David called me early this morning and was like so... I just wanted to know if you were planning on calling me if I hadn't called you (thought bubble "No"). I haven't called you because I needed to take a step back and think about what was going on between us (two pressurized debates on women's issues) and I want to say that this is not happening the way I want it to. He continued, We have more in common  than you think and I really needed sometime to process the idea that I had met someone who was as passionate as I was and respond accordingly. (eyebrows raised) He goes on, I want you to know that I really like you and I want to spend some time with you. (eyebrows raised shocked face)  I was certain that I had scared him off -- was that Tiffany's* plan all along? That bitch hates me. Buuuut apparently I didn't. So. Uhm. Yeah. Well, I will say this -- I respect his gangsta. ttafn.

4. Life: dating/ growth. Last week I either saw or talked to two of the most significant ex's in my life. By accident...I think. So the man I was going to marry invited himself to a dinner with myself and the friend that I stole from him...(wink, what up bean). I got to look at him (losing 50 pounds and looking good), look in his sad eyes, (he had just found out his grandmother had passed) and feel nothing. It was like he was a good friend and not the man who tore my heart out of my chest and smashed it on the ground and absent mindedly shoved it back into the hole in my chest as he walked off to find his ex. Seriously, that's what it felt like, you know what I'm talking about...? I didn't have the urge to say mean things to was serene. I guess a decade later, I'm finally fully healed??? God, I hope so.

5. The other one (and I'm being vague on purpose BECAUSE I know he's going to pop by here sooner or later....looking for his name FAHEEM...)...After not talking for ughm three years I somehow end up on the phone with him, twice, and then in public on a date. Yeah, not a meeting but a date. It was (pause) perfect. When I pulled out his file from the basement of my mind all of these feelings that I had no idea existed fell into my lap. I spent all morning looking at them surprised that they hadn't expired wondering what the hell to do. Drink the kool-aide? Jump off the cliff? I've never been in this position (giggle) and well...yeah.

Yawn, this post is too long. Toodles.

Hey if you want details on something post a comment!

*Tiffany is my subconscious and is always making me do stuff that isn't healthy for me!


  1. *I love m*--
    but really the feelings that fell into your lap??? what glasses you had on (the rose-coloured ones or the take a serious look at my ex one?)
    hmmm details ;)